Time is a harsh spirit

I feel like such a failure right now. Making a New Year's resolution about typing an entry every week to keep this blog going and here I am typing almost every other month. It doesn't mean I lost interest in blogging. I just don't know what else to type. Let me explain.

Originally, I wanted this blog to force me to remember the good times in my childhood. The wonderful nostalgic feeling really hits the heart and at that moment, I would think "My life is beautiful." It didn't matter what stressing moment I was in. Every time I think of my childhood, there's a feeling in my chest that just makes me tear up and become thankful for what I am today. Sadly my life is changing at a serious exponential rate. I transformed from a student to an adult in just a few months and the stress is seriously piling up. When I was still in school studying, I always thought "there is time." There was always time in my future. To get a boyfriend or a husband. To start a family. To play video games for many hours. To get into painting again. To travel around the world. I always thought there was time for everything. However, once I actually become an adult, graduating out of school and entering reality, I realized there isn't as much time as I wanted. Forget the video games, traveling, and hobbies. Those activities can be done in any age group. I'm talking about family. I have many wants in my life and quite a few involve my family. I wanted to get my mom the car of her dreams. I wanted to afford a good surround sound system and television for my dad. I wanted to be able to buy anything for my younger sister so my parents can keep their money to spend on themselves. I also wanted to buy gifts for my young cousins to return the love their parents (my uncle and aunt) gave me when I was a child. There are so many things I want to buy and give. Sadly, time is a harsh spirit. I just graduated and barely began my career. I'm still unemployed and the people I love are growing old. There is not much time left. The clock is ticking. Soon my parents' old age will catch up too and they will need medical attention. I will have to care for them. Did I put too much expectations on myself? Was I able to change any of this? Or is this just a cruel inevitable fate?

With this set in mind, I started thinking about my own future. For love, I thought I can get a boyfriend anytime. "Love has no boundaries," I told myself. I still think this is true. However, my retired father brought up a different concern I never really thought about. A boyfriend can come anytime but if I add children in this equation, that's a different story. With the required education level increasing, my future children might be required to graduate with a master's degree. Is that possible? Maybe, but only if I'm young enough. I like my future children to not worry about finance, to focus only on education and social life. Sadly that is hard. People always bring up savings and loans. Of course, the child must also be somewhat smart to begin with. This is not easy. I don't want to be already retired once my children graduate. I want to remain working when they get a chance to begin their careers. I don't want to burden them to taking care of me. So is that possible? I can't be optimistic of my future health. That is mostly unpredictable. There are times I want to tell myself, "you are too young to think of these things." As a recent college graduate, I would love that saying to be true. However, my own clock is ticking too. Preparations for the future need to be made.

So that is why my blog hasn't been updated in quite a while. The theme I gave my blog was memories of childhood but how can I remember my past if I'm too concern with my future now? As an adult, I must remember that there are people in my life that will be depending on me. I have to remember, no matter how many good memories I have, time is moving - whether I'm dead or not. I guess I realized while I love to reminisce, time is still driving me forward and it doesn't care where it is taking me so I have to be the one to make sure I don't crash into anything. 

I discovered the Bullet Journal

Scrapbooks, journals, diaries, home videos, blogs. What do they all have in common? They record events! No matter if they are themed events or daily events, these media help document for memory. However, not everyone can have enough free time to create these things but that doesn't mean he or she don't want to. Just today, I discovered a website that introduced a method that's close to journal-ing. It's quite interesting.

The method is called Bullet Journal. It is like a To-Do list and journal in one. Each entry, the person list out the tasks they need to do and what events occurred in bullet form. It's fast and simple. If the person wants to personalize, he or she can do that at her own time. It's harder to explain in words so I recommend checking out the website.

www.bulletjournal.com/#myModal

Childhood #4: Children on the plane

I always wonder if I was ever one of those annoying children during a flight. When I was young, still living outside of the US, my family and I would always take our vacations in California because that's where my grandparents lived. So every summer vacation, we would take the long flight across the Pacific. As children, the flight is a long boring trip and staying in one's seat for 12+ hours is torture. To cure my boredom, I would usually have a small carry-on bag filled with candy, snacks, pencils, papers, and reading materials. Once the seat belt light is off, my sister and I immediately open our bags and do what ever we like. Most of the time, I would be drawing. Other times, my mom would make sure I read (the homework my parents gave me for every summer). And sometimes, I would grab the magazines in the seat pocket and read it. Thinking about it now, I wonder how I manage to stay so still in my seat (besides going to the bathroom). I would like to say it's due to my parents' discipline but both my parents said I was an obedient girl (that they probably took too much pride on). When my sister and I get bored, we would always talk... a lot. About what? Honestly, I don't know and don't remember. The chat is probably about cartoons or toys or movies. So this train of thought led me to this one question: was I ever an annoying child on the plane? I would love to think just as what my parents told me but knowing myself, I probably got a few adults angry during the long flights. If not the passengers, then probably the flight attendants since I get air sick every time.

As an adult now, flights are quite interesting to me. Many times I would go through magazines to read about different cultures. Occasionally I would try to listen to music in other languages. Sadly my air sickness was never cured and at every plane trip, at least 8 hours were occupied by sleep. I hope everyone else has a better flight experience than I do.

Holiday #5: The Father I Couldn't Repay In A Lifetime

I don't want to sound as though I'm bragging. However, I believe I'm one of the few lucky people to have an awesome father. He has a strong heart and is very considerate. He encourages me during my ups and comforts me during my downs. In a way, I'm a spoiled child because of him. I can never thank him enough for what he has done for me.

Honestly, I didn't grow up with my father. My father works outside of the U.S. while I was studying in junior high, high school, and half my college. Every year, he would work hard to save up vacation days just to visit my mom, sister, and me. It was heartbreaking every time my family sees his leaving. In a long distance relationship, my parents experienced ups and downs - dealing with trusts and doubts. No matter what the obstacle was, my parents pulled through and now we're all living together. Because of this, I have respect towards my father for his endurance.

What makes me love my father? Well there are plenty of small reasons. However, not too long ago, I just graduated from college. It was a tough time for me. While all my friends were submitting applications for their desired grad schools, I was worrying over my student loans and my GPA. Let's be honest. I'm not one bit smart. I'm the most average of the average. I didn't receive any honors nor did I join any sororities or big clubs, so when I went to my graduation ceremony, I was only wearing my gown and the common sash my college was selling. So through out my senior year, I wasn't one bit looking forward to my graduation. My low GPA would not get me anywhere and I was really down knowing I still need to get a job to keep my student loans off my parents' shoulders. Well, just three days before my graduation, my father decided to have a talk with me. I don't know if he noticed I was down or not but the first thing he said to me was "don't worry." My father told me to keep my career options open and I should just try to get a small job. As for the student loans, I should not worry about them. Then he said something I never knew my parents would think about. He said I should just get a small job and enjoy my life a little as an adult. He worries that I'm spending so much time studying, I didn't get time to hang out with friends. In the beginning, I didn't really understand what he meant. In today's culture, it's normal for students to aim for college and beyond (if possible). That's what I thought but he explained how he was with my mom when she was 22. My parents were already working and traveling around the world for fun. Basically they were enjoying their young lives and now my father is worried that I may miss that life. Coming from an Asian father, this means a lot. I grew up thinking I need to satisfy their desires and because my father spoiled me, I feel even more pressured to repay him. Now knowing my father really cares about my happiness and tries to lighten my burden, I couldn't thank any divine spirit enough for my father. I couldn't thank my father enough for his love. He is one of the best gifts in my life and I wouldn't want him in any other way.

Happy Father's Day

Holiday #4: The Woman that gave us life

Whether you have your biological mother, stepmother, foster mother, mother-in-law, god mother or even a mother by spirit, you can never truly hate her. She gave up some of her time to raise you and teach you about life. Not all of us are blessed for having a loving/living mother. Because of this, we should all be thankful for having our mothers and give up a small time to thank her once in a while. True there are times when she scold you. She might even lecture you over things that you find unnecessary or are not responsible over. Either way, her message and lecturing are meant to teach you what is important and what should be done if you were in those situations. She is teaching us how to build character and value. And most of the time, we don't truly appreciate them until they are out of our daily lives. Let's not wait till they are gone for us to appreciate them. Let's keep telling them "I love you" and thank them. So when the day they truly leave our lives, we have no regrets.

~Happy Mother's Day~