I feel like such a failure right now. Making a New Year's resolution about typing an entry every week to keep this blog going and here I am typing almost every other month. It doesn't mean I lost interest in blogging. I just don't know what else to type. Let me explain.
Originally, I wanted this blog to force me to remember the good times in my childhood. The wonderful nostalgic feeling really hits the heart and at that moment, I would think "My life is beautiful." It didn't matter what stressing moment I was in. Every time I think of my childhood, there's a feeling in my chest that just makes me tear up and become thankful for what I am today. Sadly my life is changing at a serious exponential rate. I transformed from a student to an adult in just a few months and the stress is seriously piling up. When I was still in school studying, I always thought "there is time." There was always time in my future. To get a boyfriend or a husband. To start a family. To play video games for many hours. To get into painting again. To travel around the world. I always thought there was time for everything. However, once I actually become an adult, graduating out of school and entering reality, I realized there isn't as much time as I wanted. Forget the video games, traveling, and hobbies. Those activities can be done in any age group. I'm talking about family. I have many wants in my life and quite a few involve my family. I wanted to get my mom the car of her dreams. I wanted to afford a good surround sound system and television for my dad. I wanted to be able to buy anything for my younger sister so my parents can keep their money to spend on themselves. I also wanted to buy gifts for my young cousins to return the love their parents (my uncle and aunt) gave me when I was a child. There are so many things I want to buy and give. Sadly, time is a harsh spirit. I just graduated and barely began my career. I'm still unemployed and the people I love are growing old. There is not much time left. The clock is ticking. Soon my parents' old age will catch up too and they will need medical attention. I will have to care for them. Did I put too much expectations on myself? Was I able to change any of this? Or is this just a cruel inevitable fate?
With this set in mind, I started thinking about my own future. For love, I thought I can get a boyfriend anytime. "Love has no boundaries," I told myself. I still think this is true. However, my retired father brought up a different concern I never really thought about. A boyfriend can come anytime but if I add children in this equation, that's a different story. With the required education level increasing, my future children might be required to graduate with a master's degree. Is that possible? Maybe, but only if I'm young enough. I like my future children to not worry about finance, to focus only on education and social life. Sadly that is hard. People always bring up savings and loans. Of course, the child must also be somewhat smart to begin with. This is not easy. I don't want to be already retired once my children graduate. I want to remain working when they get a chance to begin their careers. I don't want to burden them to taking care of me. So is that possible? I can't be optimistic of my future health. That is mostly unpredictable. There are times I want to tell myself, "you are too young to think of these things." As a recent college graduate, I would love that saying to be true. However, my own clock is ticking too. Preparations for the future need to be made.
So that is why my blog hasn't been updated in quite a while. The theme I gave my blog was memories of childhood but how can I remember my past if I'm too concern with my future now? As an adult, I must remember that there are people in my life that will be depending on me. I have to remember, no matter how many good memories I have, time is moving - whether I'm dead or not. I guess I realized while I love to reminisce, time is still driving me forward and it doesn't care where it is taking me so I have to be the one to make sure I don't crash into anything.
