When the hour glass finishes...

At some point in one's life, another person's life finishes. It is an unavoidable event and usually unexpected. For a person as old as I am, I have to say I am very fortunate not to have any one close to me pass away. However, that doesn't mean I am blessed to not have to suffer the loss. As stated, it is unavoidable and so my time of loss will come soon. Still the topic got me thinking. It isn't the first time I thought of this topic (and I don't expect it to be my last). 

The first time I thought of this was when a friend of my sibling suffered cardiac arrest. It was really unexpected for the friend was very healthy not too long before the incident. Many teachers and friends were very shocked. The next few deaths I heard were of suicides of acquaintances. These deaths will always remain a mystery and coming to closure were hard. During those times, I didn't understand. I didn't know how to respond to those news for the people weren't involved in my life.

Recently I had a few distant relatives passed away. I didn't really feel upset but that is caused by my lack of bonding time with those relatives. Besides these relatives, the father of a friend of mine also just recently passed away. So I couldn't help but think: how would I react if someone close to me passes away? Will I cry loudly? Or would I remain quiet? How long will it take for me to recover? These questions can't be answered until I experience the event... On the other hand, do I want these questions answered? It's hard to say. However, in my opinion, it's never too late to be prepared. Now, I'm not saying to go buy a gravestone and coffin right now. That is very depressing. No, I'm talking about having a mind set to help oneself move on when the time comes. So here's what I think will help me for that future.

First, it's necessary to remind oneself that the world continues to spin. Time might feel like it stopped but sadly that is not true. There's no pause button so everyone has to pick him/herself up as soon as possible. A vacation from work might be a good idea but at some point, one needs to return to work. How can we get used to living without the deceased if we are not continuing living our normal life?

Second, it will help a lot to be prepared for paying the burial cost. It is understandable that deaths are unexpected and to think of such topic is almost taboo. However, I would feel totally ashamed if I can't afford to give my loved one a proper burial. So that means I need to leave a small share of savings for such event. Knowing that my loved one can have a decent burial comforts at least maybe 1% of the heart. Sometimes having faith in a religion helps.

Third, never forget the happy moments. Is it weird that we usually think of happy moments when the person is gone and not when he or she is present? There's always a regret. From wishing to say "thank you" to "I'm sorry," there are many things we wish we could do before the person left. Sadly, we don't know the state of our loved ones' hour glasses. Sometimes we think we have all the time in the world and procrastinate in showing our love. This advice might also help in regular life. Always think positively about everyone. It is hard but possible. Once we think of the person in a positive manner, we will compliment and thank them more often automatically. Also each moment with them is another beautiful memory. So when the time comes, there's less regrets and more wishes for a happy afterlife.

I know. They all sound cheesy and how would a girl who barely experienced such loss give such an advice?! Well, I don't know what to say. This is my thoughts, my view when someone I know lost someone. I don't know if these advice will help pick someone back on their feet. However, I think this is just a good reminder. Maybe it doesn't work on others and this will end up being a note to myself to help me get back on my own feet. Either way, may the Lord (or the diety of your religion) bless the deceased and bring them to the afterlife in peace.

Time is a harsh spirit

I feel like such a failure right now. Making a New Year's resolution about typing an entry every week to keep this blog going and here I am typing almost every other month. It doesn't mean I lost interest in blogging. I just don't know what else to type. Let me explain.

Originally, I wanted this blog to force me to remember the good times in my childhood. The wonderful nostalgic feeling really hits the heart and at that moment, I would think "My life is beautiful." It didn't matter what stressing moment I was in. Every time I think of my childhood, there's a feeling in my chest that just makes me tear up and become thankful for what I am today. Sadly my life is changing at a serious exponential rate. I transformed from a student to an adult in just a few months and the stress is seriously piling up. When I was still in school studying, I always thought "there is time." There was always time in my future. To get a boyfriend or a husband. To start a family. To play video games for many hours. To get into painting again. To travel around the world. I always thought there was time for everything. However, once I actually become an adult, graduating out of school and entering reality, I realized there isn't as much time as I wanted. Forget the video games, traveling, and hobbies. Those activities can be done in any age group. I'm talking about family. I have many wants in my life and quite a few involve my family. I wanted to get my mom the car of her dreams. I wanted to afford a good surround sound system and television for my dad. I wanted to be able to buy anything for my younger sister so my parents can keep their money to spend on themselves. I also wanted to buy gifts for my young cousins to return the love their parents (my uncle and aunt) gave me when I was a child. There are so many things I want to buy and give. Sadly, time is a harsh spirit. I just graduated and barely began my career. I'm still unemployed and the people I love are growing old. There is not much time left. The clock is ticking. Soon my parents' old age will catch up too and they will need medical attention. I will have to care for them. Did I put too much expectations on myself? Was I able to change any of this? Or is this just a cruel inevitable fate?

With this set in mind, I started thinking about my own future. For love, I thought I can get a boyfriend anytime. "Love has no boundaries," I told myself. I still think this is true. However, my retired father brought up a different concern I never really thought about. A boyfriend can come anytime but if I add children in this equation, that's a different story. With the required education level increasing, my future children might be required to graduate with a master's degree. Is that possible? Maybe, but only if I'm young enough. I like my future children to not worry about finance, to focus only on education and social life. Sadly that is hard. People always bring up savings and loans. Of course, the child must also be somewhat smart to begin with. This is not easy. I don't want to be already retired once my children graduate. I want to remain working when they get a chance to begin their careers. I don't want to burden them to taking care of me. So is that possible? I can't be optimistic of my future health. That is mostly unpredictable. There are times I want to tell myself, "you are too young to think of these things." As a recent college graduate, I would love that saying to be true. However, my own clock is ticking too. Preparations for the future need to be made.

So that is why my blog hasn't been updated in quite a while. The theme I gave my blog was memories of childhood but how can I remember my past if I'm too concern with my future now? As an adult, I must remember that there are people in my life that will be depending on me. I have to remember, no matter how many good memories I have, time is moving - whether I'm dead or not. I guess I realized while I love to reminisce, time is still driving me forward and it doesn't care where it is taking me so I have to be the one to make sure I don't crash into anything. 

Holiday #2.5: Catching up with time

Oh my goodness? When is the last time I had an entry? It has been 2 weeks but it feels like years. Anyways, sorry for my late entry again. A week ago, I had my finals and this coming Friday, I'm having another big exam that might influence my life forever. With so many things happening in my life, I'm starting to question my effort. I have been studying for quite some time towards my goal in the medical field. However, after each college year, I feel less motivated than I was the year before. Usually I am very artistic. Every week I would draw a picture or every few months I would post an artwork on my Deviantart account. However, I haven't touched that account for almost a year and I am constantly having the artist's block to make a new artwork (although they are not the best to begin with). I feel my account is being neglected at the moment. Either way, I have been noticing my "character" to be less human and more robotic. Each day is like a constant routine to me now. Either I go to school and study or I play video games on free times. Since I play video games, shouldn't I still have some artistic character left? I thought that could be it several years ago. Sadly no since I am playing a product of someone else's imagination instead of creating a product of my own. It's like my imagination became linear, following the creator's art instead of spreading like branches on a tree. I can't think beyond the creator's art, only within it. As an artist, it feels disgraceful when one merely copies another person's art due to lack of motivation.

This lack of creativity seems to correlate with my motivation. So now my question is this: is there really a job I can be passionate in? With the economy today, is a passionate job a good gamble compared to a well-paying (or even stable) job? The answer is not easy to come by. I am okay with the career I'm working for. However, to say I'm passionate about it is a lie. I never seem to remember doing something that I'm passionate about, to do something that you are happy doing regardless you get paid or not. So while I'm trying to answer my own questions, I remembered something simple, something I almost forgot and couldn't stand forgetting. It's December. The month of joy. The month of giving. The month of Christmas. From there, I decided to set my questions aside and remember what I listed in my Thanksgiving thankful list. I have my family and my friends. People who see me not as a number but as a person in this world. I may not be as motivated as before but I hope they will be my motivation to move forward, as far as I can until I find my own passion in life. Always remember what you have because that may be your motivation to live on.

Out of all this, there is a song that came out around this time last year that reminded me of what is important. So I share with you what I always listen to regain my motivation in life. And just in case I can't make it back for Christmas, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

How do you know you're old?

Age. Something we keep track of each year yet at some point, we started not caring about it anymore. We stopped thinking about it and continued on with our work life, thinking the people and environment around us stays the same. Well, at least that is what I am experiencing. Just one week ago was my cousin's birthday. Because we live in two different cities and our age difference is by eight years, it is easy for me to just see her as a child, forever younger than me. That is until one week ago when I realized she turned thirteen. She is finally a teenager which leaves me feeling older than I thought I was. I always pictured her as that young little girl with pigtails and a pink tutu. Now she is heading towards high school. Time flies really fast. I felt somewhat upset that there are many things occurring and I didn't take the time to stop and enjoy it. Another time I realized I was older is when I watch one of my favorite popstar Britney Spears. I rarely see her new music videos. Her first three albums are what I usually listen to. However, I just watched her latest video with Will. I. Am. ("Scream and Shout") and discovered that not only is Britney no longer a young adult, she really look like a full grown woman. Now I'm not trying to say she looks wrinkly and old. She isn't but she no longer is the young big smile teen I knew before. She's growing old. I'm growing old too. It really is a small shock how much time has passed. So what does this mean? It means we need to make more memorable moments. We need to sometimes drop our work and just enjoy life (or at least go out and realized what's outside our windows). I'm currently in my last year of college. After this, I will have to start working. True, I need to worry about building up my applications either for a job or graduate school, but I'm also spending extra time with friends. Live life while we still have the energy (and money) to do so.