Advice #2: Hanging out with people you dislike

No matter how many times you pray or try to be nice, there will always be people in this world that will dislike you or vice versa. It's true and unavoidable. The best solution is, of course, don't hang around them. Why be with people that makes you sad, correct? Well, yes, that solution works most of the time. However, not all of us have that choice. What happens if this person is a friend of your friend? and this person tends to "cling" onto your buddy all the time? Or worse, what happens if you are related to this person? (I'm pretty sure there are some people who dislike their relatives.)

First of all, realize that this person you dislike is also a dynamic person, like you. This person has feelings, memories, and experiences just like you, only different ones. When I say a dynamic person, I meant he or she can change (both positively and negatively). He/she is not static but that doesn't mean he/she won't seem static. However, don't expect that person to change for you. (He/she would have changed in the first place and you wouldn't be in this situation then.) Overall, this person is still a living, breathing human being like you and obviously there are people that might misunderstand and dislike you. If someone dislikes you and you have a reason for your actions, the person you dislike should also be given the right to reason. 

When you finally understand that person has a life with goals (and feelings!), you should realize that he/she has a good and a bad side. Everyone does. (If you can only see this person as an object, I think the person with the problem is you and not him/her.) When we meet someone new, we always ask what are the good traits of that person. "What's his/her favorite music?" "Is he/she clean?" No matter how many questions we ask, we always expect good answers, hoping to create a new friendship. This is the perspective we want when we see the person we dislike. By always assuming you are meeting someone new, you will always ask questions and expect positive answers.

Well, that sounds easy enough but what if we can't forget the bad side of this particular person? In that case, try forcing yourself to name positive traits about that person (other than intelligence and beauty). Back in my high school, every class had to sign a "social contract." I have no idea who came up with the idea but it was a way for teachers to teach students to be respectful. In the contract, one promises when a person feels insulted by one's comment, that one person must give a compliment to the insulted one. And to make it harder, my teacher disregards simple comments like "you are smart," "you are nice," and "you are beautiful." This makes my classmates and me feel pressured into thinking good compliments. This social contract is not a too bad of an idea. It forces oneself to look at a person positively, which is really hard if one already hates that person.

But how does looking at a person positively help with our dislikes for him/her? Actually it reminds us that the person we dislike is not all too bad. He/she is not a punishment sent from the heavens. Our distaste in that person can usually cloud our perception of how the person might really be. Also, knowing that the person is not all too bad, you will likely give more chances to see more positive traits. And for sure, if you see enough positive traits, you might end up liking that person... or at least tolerate his/her presence.

I actually wish many people would think this way instead of sending hates towards each other. However, my method doesn't solve every problem. I myself still have people I dislike, and I avoid them as much as possible. This method just helps my tolerance. Also this method is not a reason to put trust in other people that easily. Trust is a different issue. I just want to help some people so their hang outs will not be a "living hell." So good luck to you all!

Advice #1: getting over sad feelings...

I never thought about giving advice. Initially, I was planning to bring up positive (and maybe a few negative) memories in my blog to help any one to enjoy his or her life... at least make it more tolerable. However, there are times where bringing up memories don't help. Instead it might do the opposite. It might bring up unsolved feelings because whatever happened was never solved to begin with. It was only pushed aside thanks to work or other daily needs. After talking to a few friends, I came to realize that some people don't know how to handle these stressful situations and might need a little help to get the thinking gears working. Because of this, I decided to type up a small advice column this time.

So what are "sad feelings"? Well, to be specific, I'm actually talking about any feelings of stress. This includes frustration, anger, sadness, and even jealousy. Basically, if you are not happy or in any positive emotions, I count that as you are sad. Remember though, feeling depress or stress is not a bad thing. It keeps us cautious and help us learn for our future. A good stressing moment here and there helps us to work hard. However, sometimes we get so caught up with our emotions, we forget to work and move on. Moving on is not hard actually. It is the working part that is hard. If we can't work out the problem, how can we move on?

Now you have identified that you are sad (if you are happy, you may continue to read to teach someone else). Why are you still in the depression gutter? Our sad emotions are usually caused by our lack of knowledge to a solution. In other words, we are usually sad because we don't know what to do to solve our problems. And because we don't know what to do and we constantly think of the problem, we tend to feed our sadness even more. It is a vicious cycle of depression. If you think about it, it is somewhat true. If you know how to solve your problem, you wouldn't be sad to begin with, right? The reason for you to remain sad after finding a solution is because you need encouragement and reinforcement that your solution WILL solve the problem. So you don't know how to solve your problem under your sadness. What do you do? The best advice I can give is: write it out. You first write out how you feel. This helps you identify and accept your current emotion. Then write out what the problem is. Why are you stress? What happen? If possible, write a whole story. Writing involves putting thoughts in a linear form. It forces you to organize your ideas, picking out important events while deleting what you think is unnecessary. Last write out a plan to solve your problem. "Are you serious? You bluntly want me to write out a solution after making write a whole chapter of my depression?" Yes, I'm serious. Writing helps relieve a bit of stress. Now you should be able to think a little more clearly. If you can't think of a solution, do research. Go see a counselor if you have problems with classes. Go find a professional that can teach you a skill that you think you need to solve the problem. Whatever it may be, just try to find a solution.

You got your solution plan. Now you can either get someone to revise it or follow your solution right away. I recommend finding someone to revise your solution. Don't find a close friend who would ALWAYS agree with whatever you say. No, we don't want that. We want smart friends who think from many sides of a story. These friends can sometimes bring up extra problems you might encounter. Sometimes they might offer a different solution you might never thought of. Sometimes you might even argue with them, but you might be convinced that their solution or your own solution is better. Having a friend to revise your problem keeps your mind open. You will understand your problem a little better and you might find alternative solutions in case your first one didn't succeed. Now follow that solution plan you finalized!

The main goal is to stay open minded and writing out the stress. Not all situations are easy to solve and some may not even have a solution. However, writing out the problem can help relieve stress and organize one's thoughts. So start a blog or a journal. Maybe start painting if you prefer another medium. Try figuring out a solution to a problem. If the problem involves a person, try to think of the situation in his or her point of view. Life is unfair but the world is not full of jerks. After this exercise, I'm pretty sure you would be [at least partially] stress free. However, don't take my blog too seriously. If you already have your own method, by all means, keep going! I'm just offering one kind of method. If you think this method is not working for you, find another method or see a counselor, a psychologist, or an adviser. You can't always be happy but that doesn't mean you should stay sad. Good luck to you and stay positive.